A Call to Arms
I’m sure you’ve come across them as you mindlessly scroll Instagram. You know of what I speak.
This is my Theoden moment, getting the people riled and ready for war.
I am here to implore you all, my tens of readers, to put a stop to the scourge of society I am about to describe. I’m talking, of course, about Instagram pickup basketball guys.
Get a load of this dork:
Same caption, same shit content. This guy is just one of hundreds of these accounts nowadays with absolute LOSERS that were the third best player on their high school teams but couldn’t make it past that. So what do they do? They go to their local gyms and courts and act like total assholes. They show up to instigate, talk trash, and even get physical against regular ass dudes just trying to get some shots up and exercise a little. They overcompensate because they have microscopic meat, so their tactics are to agitate and post it to Instagram. They challenge people and narrate their own meaningless pickup games to disrupt the peace and try to embarrass people. Imagine going for some casual hoops at your local Y and you’ve got this dipshit there trying to play people 1-on-1 acting the way he is with a camera in your face just so he can get some clicks on his garbage account. JUST SAY NO. It is an official zero-win situation to participate. Let these clowns amble around the gym by themselves and waste away into dust, please don’t give them the satisfaction. The more opponents these guys get, the more their power grows and the more videos they’ll post. Followers and likes are fuel to this fire that must be extinguished at any cost.
Don’t fret, I’m here to help! If you listen to my advice and stay vigilant, we can fight this.
Here are a few things you can do to combat Instagram pickup basketball guys if you encounter one in the wild:
1. Fake an injury. For example, when you’re getting loose and he approaches you for a game of 1-on-1, collapse into a ball on the ground and start screaming and writhing in pain until he leaves. Once he walks away, get up and go on about your business as if nothing happened.
2. Pretend he doesn’t exist. Engaging them is exactly what they want. This might confuse him, but if you’re steadfast he’ll eventually just go away.
3. Pepper spray.
4a. Agree to play him! (See 4b.)
4b. When you check the ball at the top of the key to start the game, get close enough to pass him the ball then pants him immediately. This was never about actually playing 1-on-1, it was about pulling his pants all the way down and publicly owning him. Game over, you win. Even if he still wants to play you politely decline after the pantsing is complete.
Stay informed and stay safe out there, there are Instagram influencers lurking at every turn nowadays. Refer to the options listed above and don’t be a punchline in one of their dumb videos.
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