Here's A Non-Sports Related Take: Taco Bell Power Menu Bowl > Chipotle Burrito Bowl

(Image via Taco Bell's website)

A lot of you are gonna take this at the surface level and your smooth brains won't be able to comprehend. 

Far too many of you out there are brainwashed by Chipotle's marketing and propaganda. SNAP OUT OF IT! Their food is objectively gross, if not bland, but you've seen a few commercials or billboards that have you convinced otherwise. Maybe you've eaten it and avoided being admitted to a hospital for dehydration after severe diarrhea, but that feels like a pretty low bar to set. Their marketing team does good work, they paint a pretty picture and make everything seem top tier. Their stores are aesthetically pleasing when you walk in with the stainless steel and modern look but that's only compensating for the fact that it's the same trash quality that any other "burrito" chain restaurant serves. Chipotle's upper management has mastered the art of manipulation just by saying their foods are fresh and organic and the mindless bird people have actually bought it. 

I promise, Chipotle is no fresher, healthier, or more organic than the next one. Ultimately, who cares anyway? It's a fast food burrito joint, you're not doing yourself any health favors by eating there. If you think you are, you're one of the many that's blind to the facts. It's still loaded with sodium so your hands are gonna be swollen afterward. It's no higher in quality, it's wildly overpriced, oh and by the way, they don't even give you free chips and salsa. Those are gonna run ya a little extra, and before you know it you're in for $15-20 on a lunch that's just gonna explode from your butt in about half an hour max. It's the same garbage caliber meats as everywhere else no matter how many times they wanna say they're grass-fed or organically sourced. Spoiler: they're frozen and shipped all over the country like every other fast food place ever. If they truly do source all their meats from local farms, doesn't that seem like a huge quality control and continuity issue? If all the ingredients are so superior to the competition, then why does Chipotle have E. Coli problems? 

Say what you will, and most of this is personal preference in the end, but if you're a big fan of E. Coli outbreaks across multiple states then Chipotle is for you. Just ask our good friend AJ Brown who spent 10 days battling the Chipotle rotgut after a tainted batch. 

.@1kalwaysopen_ said Chipotle reached out to him after his bout with food poisoning. @Titans pic.twitter.com/kiEiZfefG8

— Jim Wyatt (@jwyattsports) October 22, 2021

Now this isn't me saying that other places are incapable of causing food poisoning. It's a rare occurrence but that happens in this day and age. I do think most places have learned to avoid it and shored up their processes but at times people just get sick. It just happens. With that said, it seems like it happens at Chipotle a lot and people get deathly ill. Chipotle groveling at AJ Brown's feet praying he doesn't further damage their reputation is just pathetic. 

Enter Taco Bell. 

Firstly, they haven't had E. Coli problems since 2006 when they removed green onions from their menu. I'm not typically a proponent of cancel culture but if the green onions were causing people to do chocolate shotguns then GET 'EM OUTTA HERE. 

Secondly, they have a section of their menu that's called the Power Menu and contained within this menu is the Bowl. You can get chicken or steak. They're both good and if you say you don't like the chicken or steak in these bowls then you're just pretentious and spoiled. Is it wagyu? No, but neither is Chipotle, so let's not go there. It comes with shredded lettuce, rice, black beans, low fat sour cream, guacamole, cheese, diced tomatoes, and a creamy avocado ranch sauce that ties it all together. It's delicious and trumps anything on Chipotle's menu. Bonus: Under 500 calories for all that, it costs less, and a solid dose of protein in case you're trying to get a midday pump. 

If you're a stats person, the NNS (number needed to shart) is WAY lower on these Taco Bell bowls than Chipotle. I haven't performed a double blind trial yet, but Taco Bell is probably around 10 bowls before you shart to Chipotle's 2. This is probably statistically significant data. Not to mention you could get E. Coli at Chipotle given their history and be in a real world of shit (pun intended).

I did a fun experiment and built a Chipotle burrito bowl online with the same items. All the add ons are extra and they're upcharging your face off for everything, just be warned. Final verdict: 790 calories... and that's if you don't get rice. No rice is insane unless you're just torturing yourself with a low carb diet. You want some rice with your burrito bowl like a normal? 1,000 (ONE THOUSAND) calories. Again, the point here isn't to be particularly healthy if you're stopping in at a Chipotle or Taco Bell for your lunch options, but isn't it nice to know you're not gonna catch E. Coli and/or Type 2 Diabetes by eating the Taco Bell Power Menu Bowl? 

As I said previously, it's all personal preference in the grand scheme of things. If you want to keep eating Chipotle and paying a premium in this economy for the same (arguably worse) food, then who am I to stop you? Just don't come crying to me when you're stuck wearing a diaper because Chipotle has afflicted you with anal leakage.