An Open Letter To Augusta National: Do The Right Thing

I didn't wanna do this but after repeated failed attempts to get in touch with "Fred Ridley", I'm left with no other choice. Nobody seemed willing to cooperate when I called Augusta National, they wouldn't release his cell number, and they claimed Mr. Ridley was "busy". Likely story. I'm posting this in hopes that my tens of readers will rally around me and we can come to a speedy resolution. 

A pine tree at Augusta National fell and squashed me. The injuries are severe but I'm a tough bastard. Nice try. It's gonna take more than a tree to the brain, lungs, heart, back and balls to kill me. 


It's pretty bad but I'm getting by. Doing a little better every day. So messed up that they won't reach back out and make this right! All I've heard about is how great the TV ratings were, but the camera crew didn't catch my incident so technically there's no "tangible proof" which is bull crap. As you can tell from the photo above, my injuries are very real and their lack of attention to tree detail almost cashed me out early. 

The last thing I wanna do is wind up in court over this, so I've graciously compiled a list of ways they could rectify the situation.

  1. Lifetime Membership + Unlimited Food/Beverage Privileges: I've always dreamt of playing Augusta National, it looks mighty nice on TV. This is the cleanest way to avoid litigation and I think issuing a lifetime membership is the least you guys could do. 
  2. Free Masters Badges: I'm not asking for much, I just want you to accommodate me and my crew for the week. This would include my family and any friends I want. Think of it as a preferred guest list. We would require the highest security clearance for the week and be given access to any and all secret hospitality tents.
  3. Hooters Stipend: As good as the pimento cheese sandwiches are, it's been scientifically proven that a man needs a chicken wing every now and then. Plus, being best pals with John Daly is high on my list of things to do in life and I heard he lives there during Masters week. 
  4. A Seat at the Champions Dinner henceforth: Again, I could be asking for WAY more in a court of law so just pull me up a chair. 
I know you, the Augusta National Golf Club management team, will see this. Let's be civil here, I don't want this to get ugly. You have 3 days. 

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