HAPPY MASTERS WEEK - 5 Things We Would Hate To See

 

Hello friends! It's Masters Monday and as I type this the world's best golfers are sweeping dew on the world's best course. Not a blade of grass is out of place and the bunkers have never been more perfectly manicured. A lucky few are allowed on the premises to watch these stallions get some early practice and dial things in. 

As for the rest of us pathetic losers, we're wishing we were there and lamenting about not winning this year's lottery. A tradition unlike any other!

Whatever, who cares? There's something about the Masters on top of what it already exists to be that brings joy. Yes, it's the most prestigious golf tournament of the year, bar none. Of course we know it's the first major at the most heavenly of venues. It also symbolizes spring's arrival and life anew. My tentative plan is to eat 4,000 deviled eggs and watch the best that golf has to offer, life is good folks. 

Golf contagion mercilessly sweeps across the globe at its most virulent on this week every year, leading up to and during the Masters. It's almost like it serves as the starting gun for golf to officially kick off every year. If the average Sunday golfer hasn't dusted off his/her clubs yet and gone to the range for a tune-up session, you better believe Masters weekend is when they decide to do so. 

There are lots of scenarios that could play out that'd be good for the game, fun for the fans, and add positive steam to the PGA Tour's engine. With that said, there are also several less savory scenarios that would put a damper on the Masters and leave a sour aftertaste. As a successful, professional blogger I feel it's my responsibility to leave no stone unturned and get these hellscape scripts out in the open. Today, we'll talk about a few things we DON'T want to see in this year's Masters Tournament. By doing so, we can channel our good vibes and squash any negative thoughts before they have time to fester and rear their ugly heads. 

A Tiger Missed Cut

Tiger isn't a needle mover in the golf universe - he is the needle. The din produced by external factors in the golf realm is deafening and to silence that, Tiger needs to see the weekend. We need to see the Sunday Red from our fearless leader. We need a sea of patrons, abandoning every other golfer in the field, and engulfing whatever hole he's playing. We need Tiger in contention. I still have a hard time wiping the smile off my face from Tiger's win in 2019, that was quite literally the best outcome that we watched play out with the ultimate result. Admittedly, every year that passes makes it seem less and less likely that we'll have another moment like that, but I choose optimism based on 2019 and I believe Tiger can win again. 

A Tiger Aggravated Injury/WD 

I won't say I'm superstitious, but I almost didn't want to include this one. Nobody wants to see this or acknowledge that it could be a thing. I just have to keep telling myself that if there's one tournament that Tiger is prioritizing and getting ready for, it's this one. Tiger's been laying low, presumably rehabbing, practicing, and preparing for this week because he wants to win again. There hasn't been much of a presence on Tour recently, which should be good news for his physical health. With any luck, he's healthy and refreshed and his body is ready to get around the course for 72 holes. If that's the case, he knows this course like the back of his hand and he's still capable of hitting elite level golf shots and winning the whole fuckin' thing. 

A Rory Stinkfest

Another key, vocal ambassador for the PGA Tour is Rory, and he needs to take The Masters by the balls. In a weird way, given recent PGAT/LIV strife, he's become highly polarized and he's really the one guy that can't afford to come out and shit the bed. The LIV buzzards would be merciless. Additionally, the one victory that's eluded him for so long lies within the hallowed gates of Augusta National - He's done so much throughout his career but that's one thing he hasn't conquered. He was close enough to taste it last year, but wound up finishing in second place. Without a shred of a doubt, a Masters win would cement his status as a legend in golf lore. 

It just so happens Rory's playing strong golf right now - he leads the PGA Tour in driving distance (326.6 yds) and is 8th overall in strokes gained. If there's one current weakness it'd be putting. He's 175th in strokes gained with the putter, which isn't great. If everything clicks for Rory he can overpower the field, but that's easier said than done and he needs to tidy that up. Overall, the way he's striking the ball, if he can make some putts he might finally slide those beefy Irish biceps into the green jacket. 

A Brooks Koepka

Brooks heads to Augusta fresh off a win at LIV Orlando and carries significant momentum into this weekend. This is foreboding news for all golf fans because we all know Brooks likes to hit the gas when it comes to majors. We also know he's stubborn and doesn't care to be the heel that ruins everyone's party. If he was at a birthday party, he'd be the guy to take a shit in the pool and laugh in everyone's face because they had to get out. Much like Rory, Brooks has 4 major wins to his name and a best of T2 at The Masters. This is one he'd love to add to the resumé, maybe less because he cares about the legacy aspect but more to see the PGA Tour burn. Beware the Florida Man with no regard for human life! This is what's perched on the end of your bed when you wake up covered in piss, sweaty and paralyzed.

Any LIV Golfer Being In Contention

If you're a firm PGA Tour stan, welcome to Hell. Can you imagine how insufferable Greg Norman will be if even one LIV golfer is in contention much less wins the thing? Part of the issue that many have with LIV is that there's no merit based system involved. In other words, they can play shit golf and still get paid. Lots of guys have been doing that and it's a lazy way to chase some dirty money. 

I've been having a recurring nightmare where Patrick Reed is wearing a fishnet golf shirt on Sunday, his hairy flapjack B-cups exposed. He's positioned himself high on the leaderboard with a chance to do the unthinkable. There's one person in the gallery, and that's me. I'm bound and gagged, being forced to follow him up the 18th fairway. I can hear his shoes squeak and smell his B.O. through his porous shirt. It's easily the worst dream I've ever had. Imagine if Patrick Reed and his sweaty gravy tits WINS THE MASTERS. We'd never hear the end of it. I don't even wanna think about it anymore. This would be ground zero and the single worst thing that could happen. 

Greg Norman has already said that if a LIV golfer wins the Masters, all 17 of the players in attendance will join him for the awards ceremony. That thought makes me wanna do a puke.

Now that those are out of the way, we're gonna head into this week with childlike excitement, passion and positivity. Getting out in front of these is like a natural disaster simulation, it's best to stay one step ahead and prepare yourself for anything. 

It feels good to go into Masters week with a clean conscious, knowing that these shitty thoughts can be exterminated and launched into the nevermore, unable to hurt us. Like I said before, life is good - Rory has a chance to officially step on the throats of the LIV guys and we can watch Tiger compete at ANGC in a few short days. There are hundreds of storylines that would bring me great pleasure as a fan, just don't let it be any of the ones I listed above.  

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