NFL DRAFT FIRST ROUND GRADES By A Man That’s Done No Draft Research

As I sit here in a hospital room, splayed out in what they loosely refer to as a “chair” and awaiting the arrival of my third child, my mind races. What’s he gonna be like? Will he be chill? Will I ever get a full night of sleep again? Will he be a filthy naughty football player? What color suits will be wear on draft day to match as I flank him in the green room? 

As you may be able to tell, to occupy myself while we wait and my lovely wife sleeps, I’m watching the NFL Draft. Whats the next step after Day 1? What’s everyone want directly after the first round of the draft? Naturally, morons giving their draft “grades” is the answer. 

Given the circumstances, I haven’t had a great deal of time to dive into the prospect profiles and game film but that makes it more fun. That’s virtually the only thing that separates me from a Kiper or McShay. No stats or numbers to back it up, just knee jerk reactions. Here’s my live thoughts on the NFL draft’s first round. 

DISCLAIMER: this is very much a draft, and incomplete. Sorry, about to have a kid so deal with it. Fill in the blanks as you see fit with your own silly takes. 

1. Panthers - Bryce Young - 

When’s the last time the panthers had an *actual* QB? They did the right thing here and didn’t overthink, trusted the film and took who they believe to be the best decision-maker and quarterback available. Yeah, he’s a little smaller than other conventional quarterbacks but whatever. Feels like this can’t fail unless he gets snapped in half. Grade: A 

2. Texans - CJ Stroud - 

Again, I’m glad the Texans didn’t Texan all over their pants and did the logical thing here. The film speaks for itself and the rumors that his aptitude test (we’re really still doing this?) were tanking his stock proved false. For me, it was a coin flip between Young and Stroud but Stroud has the size advantage going for him. Grade: A (no-brainer, could be the guy for a long time) 

3. Texans - Will Anderson - The outright aggression to trade up here and get 2 of the first 3 picks in this year’s draft was exhilarating and it pays off for them here. If you want something, go and take it! Will Anderson is a pure disruptor and fast-twitch edge rusher that can impact games single-handedly. The Texans love them some versatile big daddy D-ends (see: JJ Watt) and they just got another one. Grade: A+ (see above)

4. Colts - Anthony Richardson - 

Who knows what the Colts do with Anthony Richardson? They haven’t really drafted a QB in what feels like forever, so it’ll be interesting to see. I have to believe a functioning NFL organization has the coaches and resources available to harness his natural ability and fix whatever accuracy issues people think he may have. He’s obviously a freak athlete with insane speed and size, a risk work taking for sure. He checks a lot of boxes and the Colts have been in QB purgatory since Ryan Grigson sucked so hard at his job and made Andrew Luck sail off into the sunset. Grade: B+ (can they develop this guy and tap into his massive potential? In a weird way I trust in Richardson’s ability but less so in the Colts to gain access to it)

5. Devon Witherspoon - Seahawks -

Welcome to the legion of boom. This guy hit sticks on the regular and gets after the ball. Grade: B+

6. Cardinals - Paris Johnson - 

The Cardinals traded up for the 6th overall and snagged a certified beef castle and the top OL on the board. This is the most obvious statement ever, but Arizona’s success relies almost solely on preventing another catastrophic Kyler injury so this pick was optimal. A friend of mine mentioned how comical the pictures of Paris Johnson standing next to Kyler will be and I wholeheartedly agree. Grade: A+ (big meaty men slappin’ meat)

7. Raiders - Tyree Wilson -

8. Falcons - Bijan Robinson - 

This is insanely early but all the projections have this guy as a CMC type and you can justify a roll of the dice. His pass catching ability is a difference-maker and as much as Arthur Smith runs the ball, he’ll pay off early and often. Grade: B+ (would be a C or lower if he wasn’t gonna get roughly 450 touches this year) 

9. Eagles - Jalen Carter - 

Am undeniable nightmare decision resulted in concerns of “characters issues” and distracted, poor drill work, so one of the more dominant defensive guys in the draft spiraled all the way to 10th overall. The Eagles’ sack numbers were already elite, but they just cemented their status as a top pass-rushing team again after extending Jalen Hurts in the last several days. Comparisons to Parrish Cox are always a good thing. Grade: A+ (the man is a house and 10 overall feels like a steal) 

10. Bears - Darnell Wright -

The team I watch the most on this planet was lucky enough to have this certified DOG as a bookend. Wright has the size speed and technique to handle anything thrown at him. My unabashed Vols bias is real but the Bears got their bodyguard for Justin Fields. A stellar building piece to protect their franchise guy. Grade: A+ (this has nothing with me being a Tennessee fan)

11. Titans - Peter Skoronski  - 

The Titans forewent several positions of need to lay the groundwork for whoever takes snaps following Ryan Tannehill. If this is the first cornerstone of what’s to be a brief rebuild, it’s a smart one. His name reminds me of a rhinoceros for some reason, and he plays like one. Another encouraging sign of what’s to come is that he spent draft night at a pizza place in his hometown so he’s not about the riff raff. Nose to the grindstone, move some bodies type of mindset. Grade: A (they just drafted Malik Willis last year, and if they didn’t absolutely adore any of the remaining QBs it’s smartest not to overextend and burn draft equity on a guy when next year’s QB class is equally, if not more, loaded)

12. Lions - Jahmyr Gibbs - 

At 12? Why? Devalued position and picked entirely too early. Could’ve gotten him at 18 or possibly into the second round if the cards fell the right way. A running back room already containing D’Andre Swift and David Montgomery just got overly crowded. Maybe they hate Swift, but it never feels like the Lions have ever fully committed to utilizing his skill set. There’s also some concern of injuries there, sure, but he’s shown flashes. Either way, two RBs in the first twelve is unheard of nowadays for a reason. Grade: D- (I don’t get this pick so early with their current roster situation. Wait a while and get help elsewhere)

13. Packers - Lukas Van Ness -

The primary question mark right now in Green Bay is if there’s a steep falloff between Aaron Rodgers and Jordan Love. They’re clearly all in on Love but the sample size is nonexistent. They did well on WRs last year with Romeo Doubs and Christian Watson, so a defensive stalwart seemed like the next step. Snagging one of the top edge rushers in this draft is a no brainer. Grade: A- (let’s see how Love does in his first real action as starter then reassess in 2024. In the meantime, edge rushers are always good)

14. Steelers - Broderick Jones - More like BROADerick Jones because his shoulders are so wide. Anyways, this exactly what Tomlin and Co. needed to do to instill confidence in Kenny Pickett, who showed a spark, especially later in the season. He progressively looked more and more comfortable in the offense and this should help even more. Plenty of offensive weapons and this is a good pick to help Pickett take the next step. Grade: A+ (is it ever a bad draft pick if you’re building around who you hope to be your franchise QB?)

15. Jets - Will McDonald IV - 

 

16. Commanders - Emmanuel Forbes -

I genuinely don’t know what the Commanders are doing. Fine player but are we sure Sam Howell is the answer? The fans have clamored for a franchise QB for years now. Recently, cries were louder when Carson Wentz was allegedly spotted wearing adult diapers under his uniform. This franchise can’t catch a break (or is it self-inflicted?). Several viable options were available to invest in but they snatched a defensive guy, and not even the most important defensive position on the field. Grade: C-…I guess? (I find myself in a perpetual state of trying to figure out if the Commanders are a real franchise or not. Sometimes they do things and I think they can’t be real but then someone says something dumb and jarring like “RIVERBOAT RON” and I’m snapped back to the reality that they’re largely a product of Dan Snyder’s ineptitude and shitheadery)

17. Patriots - Christian Gonzalez - 

I’m not sure where the Patriots go at QB, it’s hard to justify another early pick with Jones and Zappe - surely one of the two of them can produce enough to please Belichick. Good size and speed combo, this kid’s supposed to be a stud and dropped further than expected. The Patriots had to be thrilled to scoop him at 17. Grade: A- (this felt like who the Lions should’ve taken, a lot of people had him at the #1 CB on their big board) 

18. Lions - Jack Campbell - 

They kind of handcuffed themself with their earlier pick. Locked into a RB and missing on a stud CB the pick before, they went with a relatively sure thing at LB to complement Aiden Hutchinson. Iowa guy that likes to stomp downhill and grind bones with speed and a sniffer for the football. Grade: B- (I didn’t watch this guy a ton but he looked corn-fed and fit to be tied) 

19. Bucs - Calijah Kancey - Never a bad idea to bolster the D-line but they’re severely lacking in the QB department, not sure they can afford to procrastinate on that. Plenty of beef in the freezer still available there at this pick and Hooker or Levis felt like good fits here. Grade: C- (are they seriously gonna pay Baker Mayfield to play football for them? How many times are teams gonna get duped?)

20. Seahawks - Jaxon Smith-Njigba - 

There was talk of a QB getting drafted, but… it was never gonna be a quarterback in the first round. And rightfully so! Geno Smith finally found his groove and the Seahawks are suddenly loaded with threats. First WR off the board with good reason and Pete Carroll kicked off a big run of WRs that got gone starting at 20. Grade: A+ (this WR class is pretty thin and this started a landslide of WRs flying off the board) 

21. Chargers - Quentin Johnston -  

He’s the prototype from a physical standpoint and pairing him with Josh Palmer/whatever’s left in Mike Williams’ tank gives Justin Herbert a plethora of downfield horsies to choose from. He disappeared against Georgia but his body of work is strong. He’s a perfect fit for this offense and he’s got elite size for an NFL receiver. Grade: A

22. Ravens - Zay Flowers - The Ravens only task here was to further load this offense up for Lamar, who just signed a 5 year extension today. This is indirectly another investment in Lamar and they can focus elsewhere now that they got their WR help. Zay Flowers has a strong case as the top overall WR prospect in this draft class and above all else, a happy Lamar bodes well for Baltimore. It appears the Zay Flowers selection made Lamar happy. Grade: A+

23 Vikings - Jordan Addison - Addison is a bit undersized at just under 6’ and 173 lbs, but he seems poised to step directly into a position of need at WR now that Adam thielen left. They did exactly what they needed to do here, Addison projects as a crafty slot burner with sure hands and elusive route-running. Exactly what they were looking for to replace their longtime security blanket. Grade: B+ 

24. Giants - trade via Jax - deonte banks C+ - they traded up just one spot to get banks and he’s another bigger, fast CB. The league’s corners are evolving into bigger, faster figures and Banks is no exception. Without giving up too much, this is a fine pick, but one slot? 

25. Bills - via Jax - Dalton Kincaid - Dawson Knox is a solid enough option and I feel like focusing in other areas would’ve been a more pressing option that could push them to a Super Bowl, not necessarily another TE, even as good as he is. Grade: B-

26. Cowboys - Mazi Smith - I’ll be honest, I don’t know who this guy is. I’m sure he’s quite good at football. 

27. Jags - Anton Harrison

28. Myles Murphy - bengals - another one that I’m not terribly aware of. Defensive ends are good so long as they produce. Kayvon Thibodeaux was great on paper but didn’t do much, so hopefully this guy can compile some sacks. 

29. Saints - Bryan Bresee -

I’m sold based only on his high school film. 

30. Eagles - Nolan Smith -

It’s the Georgia show in Philly now and this defense is certifiably stacked. Fast, versatile edge guy hybrid linebacker that can do it all. He’s now on a team with some of his best buds and everybody knows that’s cool. This haul in the past two drafts and the concurrent offense is almost sickening.

31. Chiefs - Felix Anudike-Uzomah -

Surprises: 

I’ve never thought Will Levis was all that great, but it seemed like some teams were enamored with him. Surprising that none of the QB-needy teams took the risk as he does seem to have plenty of tools. Execs must’ve been scared off by the inner arm tat. 

Coming off the ACL and unable to participate in the combine, it’s telling that Hendon Hooker was getting first round looks at all. The film doesn’t lie and he won’t last long but I got my hopes up with all the pre-draft chatter. 

Running backs galore! What’s the angle here? This was the first time since 2018 that running backs were a thing this early and Gibbs at 12 was a wild move.