Nightmare Fuel: All 32 NFL Teams Get New AI-Generated Mascots

This brave soul turned to artificial intelligence for new NFL mascots and the results are unsettling. Anything "AI" right now is getting a little too close to the movies out there where robots become sentient and start destroying humankind as we know it. This is the first step in our extinction and these mascots are sent straight from hell. Imagine being an employee and you're asked to crawl into one of these cursed mascot suits.

AFC EAST:

Buffalo Bills

This one's really not too bad, but you'd have to have two people standing upright for it to work. Not very economical if you ask me. Also, it just looks like a real buffalo wearing a hockey sweater. 

Alternate:

This one's 100x better.

Miami Dolphins

Stoned, superhero humanoid dolphin with good eyebrows. 

NY Jets (Mastrs Tader Artus???)

I guess I can see what the computer was going for here. Part man in a uniform, other part jet plane. Unfortunately what we get is an amorphous jet person with panicked eyes. If these mascots could talk, this one would be saying "please... help... me".

New England Patriots

Mischievous Brady clown. Two hands. Three thumbs. Up to no good.

AFC NORTH:

Cincinnati Bengals

 This one feels like it should be voiced by John Candy giving you directions. 

Cleveland Browns

Perfection! It's a hammered drunk bulldog man with a gut wearing a Baker Mayfield jersey.  
I'm starting a petition to have this actually become their real life mascot for the Browns. It perfectly encapsulates the Browns franchise as a whole. Bravo!

Baltimore Ravens

Quite literally, a raven.

Pittsburgh Steelers

Like a first-day-of-school picture but for someone about to go clean up Chernobyl.

AFC SOUTH:

Indianapolis Colts

Illustrious, clawed (???) horse with long flowing mane, silken bell-bottoms... and a COLOSSAL HORSE COCK. Is AI low key horny?

Jacksonville Jaguars

One very cautious feline wearing biker shorts ready for a fistfight.

 Houston Texans

Nowhere in the Texans logo or team lore is there a pig (with four nostrils) but Texas is known for its barbecue so they landed on this horned demon version of Porky Pig??? Weird!

Tennessee Titans

Two-faced tundra bug alien with aluminum foil fingers. No idea.

AFC WEST:

Denver Broncos

Just a lil' spunky horse. Fairly similar to their current mascot. Nothing to see here.

Los Angeles Chargers

Electro-karate insect/Mighty Morphin Power Ranger.

Kansas City Chiefs

This one made me laugh out loud. Highly skeptical muppet man that's being forced to wear a cheerleader outfit. As punishment for sexual battery, Jackson Mahomes should be forced to wear this for a year with no access to his phone.

Las Vegas Raiders (Rawered S???)

This one's pure metal. 'Nightmare Before Christmas' meets undead raider that happens to have great teeth. Actually pretty close to something a Raiders fan might be seen wearing in the stands. 

NFC EAST:

Washington Commanders

What the hell?

Dallas Cowboys

Holy SHIT this is amazing! The least accurate sharpshooting buckaroo in the wild west, hands down. Look at his eyes! He can't see shit! Draped in velvet with a belt-buckle and ginormous hat that folks in Dallas can relate to. 

Philadelphia Eagles

Extremely pissed off bird because he's being forced to wear Link's clothes from Ocarina of Time.

New York Giants

Big dumb idiot with sausage fingers named "Newt" wearing an Eli Manning jersey. 

NFC NORTH:

Chicago Bears

The least intimidating mascot ever, this one is a life-sized furry teddy bear. 

Detroit Lions

Pretty normal mascot from the neck up, clubbed right hand and oddly pixelated from the neck down. 

Green Bay Packers

What the fuck is this? A cannibal caveman stole Eddie Lacy's old uniform and wants to eat your body parts while wearing yellow Crocs. Run.

Minnesota Vikings

Relatively normal with this one. Sort of an alternate version of their actual mascot, Ragnar (a regular guy who dresses up like a viking).

NFC SOUTH:

Tampa Bay Buccaneers

If the Bucs want a 'Where The Wild Things Are' vibe this is it. Otherwise, mulligan.

Atlanta Falcons

Infinitely cooler than the Falcons' current mascot and the best of this list.

Carolina Panthers

Poonats.

New Orleans Saints

I suppose this look like a saintly priest in dress robes but with very nasty plans on what to do with those deformed hands. 

NFC WEST:

San Francisco 49ers

Diaper?!?!

Arizona Cardinals

Super aggro bird that's ready to fight the entire bar after being cut off.

Los Angeles Rams

Ram but with Graves' disease.

Seattle Seahawks

No sign of a "hawk" for the Seahawks. Sneaky crackhead frog instead.

 Looking at these makes me feel a lot better about the future of humanity. AI is stupid.



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